Top 10 Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
Concert is Not the Real Woodstock
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

New Age Song

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.

Answering Machine - Frere Jacques

Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":  We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.