Many Faces

Grew up thinking I was stuck with the face I was born with; at 30 the beauty consultants at Macy's told me I would get the face I deserved; moved to LA and discovered I'd get the face I could afford!

Try This On

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

Short but Clever

A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was asked to go out and sweep up the trash. As she was getting ready to start sweeping, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When the supervisor asked her what she was doing, she said, "It's very windy out there and sometimes it blows me over. So, now I weigh me down to sweep."