Going To A Lecture

There was a man, who was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

The Consumption of Alcohol

• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
• The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
• The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
• The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
• The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
• The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Fault and Symptoms of Drinking

Symptom: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Symptom: Everyone looks hideous.
Fault: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.