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Alcohol Jokes

The Consumption of Alcohol
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
- The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
- The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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Fault and Symptoms of Drinking
Symptom: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Symptom: Everyone looks hideous.
Fault: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.
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The Cherry Brandy Gift
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the minister acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "Appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
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