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The best jokes and joke writers!

Tesla Upgrade

My sales manager pulled up in a new Tesla Model S today and I complimented him on it. 

He said, "Well, if you set goals, you're determined, and you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can trade up to a Model D next year."

Create a Need

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00" Again, the man replies bluntly  "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

Purchasing Furniture

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them: Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea. You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That's great, we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

Customer: But how do I get there?

You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

(And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:)

Customer: All I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so complicated?

Selling to a Farmhouse

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish bowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on. After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen. ''Oh, those folks ain't crazy,'' the farmer said, ''They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go fuck herself because he was going fishing.''