Where Do You Live?

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Snail Story

A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"

Creeper

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now.
We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop.  That's quite impressive for her age.