Defamation of character

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.  After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?".  The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?", the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.  The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!".

Great Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Talk to the Judge

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other." "Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"