Things You Should Not Say To A Judge

1. "I got your community service right here pal!"
2. "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
3. "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
4. "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
5. "No you robe wearing geek."
6. "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
7. "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

Can't Fool a Woman

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."
Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"
Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

A Technical Bastard

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."