Need a Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my current job. He asked which three were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable companies.
 

Arrested For Drunk Driving

There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunk driving. They let him go, even though he was already an hour late for an operation.

A Tick

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.