Bad Advice

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice?" "No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me."

Will I Live Any Longer?

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Blonde Hijacker

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed.
Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo."
Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo."
"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the wrong plane."