Letter From The Bank

I received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me, "This is the last time we're going to spend a quarter to tell you that you have fifteen cents!"

Santa's Pet Peeves

•  Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
• When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
• Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch".
• Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask.
• Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
• Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
• Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.
• Two words: lap rash

Gas Up

I asked my dentist if I could have some of his laughing gas.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out."