Mental Institution Check Up

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released. Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon says, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers. The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan says, "I'd be half blind." The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor. "Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

Problems and Male Gender

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...

Things to do visiting your Therapist

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1.  Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.  
5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"  
6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.  
8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!".  
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist, eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall; Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair; when he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you. 
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.