Train Driver

One day a group of businessmen were traveling to a meeting by train. The trip was going as usual, the passengers conversed and the meals were delivered. When the train entered an open area, it started rapidly slowing down causing everyone in it to come flying across their seats. The train however didn't stop and to everyone's shock started derailing into the field. For a couple of horrifying moments everyone held their breath as the train hurtled through the field, into the woods and then back on its tracks.
Shocked and infuriated, one of the businessman rushed to the operator:
"What the fuck just happened!?" He screamed.
"Hey listen" The operator tries to explain "I was driving as usual and then there was this dude came out of nowhere in the middle of the tracks.."
"SO YOU DERAILED THE TRAIN?!" Screams the man "YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN US ALL KILLED! I'm sorry but you had to run him over!"
"WELL I TRIED DAMMIT" Answers the operator "But the fucker ran into the woods."

Blonde's New Sportscar

A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again. "What was the matter?" she asks. "Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies. Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"

Full Flight

On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."