New Slogans For Value Jet

• When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
• We're Amtrak with wings.
• Join our frequent near-miss program.
• On flights, every section is a smoking section.
• Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
• Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
• Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
• Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
• Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
• The kids will love our inflatable slides.
• You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
• Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
• Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
• We may be landing on your street.
• Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
• Bring a bathing suit.
• Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
• That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
• Find out there really is a God.
• A real man lands where he wants to.

Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Watering the Camel

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water. "That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks." As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water. "Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist. "Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"