New Computer Viruses Discovered!

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
Beware of:
THE CLINTON Virus.... Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
THE LEWINSKY virus... Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
THE RONALD REAGAN virus... Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
THE MIKE TYSON virus.... Quits after two bytes.
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb.
THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... Deletes all old files.
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... Disks can no longer be inserted
THE PROZAC virus.. Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus.. Only attacks minor files.
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
...and last but not least...
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Password Selection Directive

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471 In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately. RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

Microsoft Technicians and Light Bulb

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM.