Peter Parker

Q: Why did Peter Parker get fired?
A: He spent all day on the web.

You Know You Have an Internet Addiction When . . .

• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
• A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
• All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• Your dog's homepage is actually good.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
• You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Male Hobbies

Q: What two men's hobbies require the most hand-eye coordination?
A: Video games and porn.