Proof Santa is a Woman!

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!

Religion Into My Life

Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.

Facts of Life

• Women love to talk on the phone.
• A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
• Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
• Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
• PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
• The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
• Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
• 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
• Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
• All women are overweight by definition don't agree with them about it.
• Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
• If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
• Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
• All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
• If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
• Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
• Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
• Men can never catch women checking out other men women will always catch men checking out other women.