Things Men Don't Say

• Let's watch Lifetime.
• Sex is overrated.
• I don't want to go too far on the first date.
• Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.
• Don't we owe your mother a visit?
• I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.
• Dessert goes right to my hips.
• I hate when I miss Oprah.
• Does this suit make me look fat?
• I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

Men Are Like...

• Men are like laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
• Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
• Men are like vacations. They never seem long enough.
• Men are like bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
• Men are like weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
• Men are like blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
• Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.
• Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
• Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
• Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
• Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
• Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
• Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
• Men are like lawn mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.
• Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
• Men are like snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

One Wish to Each

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter." So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is." She became a brunette. The third blonde ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!" So, she became a man.