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Sex Jokes - Masturbation Jokes
Washing the Clothes
John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candle holders from the hall closet.
Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them. While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes. "Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."
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Little Johnny - Poker
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself: television, ice cream, homework, video games... But the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."
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Adult Toy Shop
A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!" He replies, "It's not for sale." The woman says, "Please I want that one," again he says it's not for sale. The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the salesman says, "Well, okay. Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?" The salesman replied, "It's pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos."
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