Who's Your Daddy

A teenage boy comes home and announces that he wants to marry the girl next door, Jane Jones. His father takes him aside and says, “I’m sorry , son, but years ago I was having an affair with Jane’s mother and I got her pregnant. You can’t marry her because she’s your half-sister.” A month later the son comes home and announces that he wants to marry a girl up the street, Sarah Smith. Again his father confesses that he once had an affair with Mrs . Smith, and that Sarah is in fact another half-sister. A month later the son announces his engagement to Amy Armstrong, but once more his father confesses that Amy is in fact another of his daughters. The son complains to his mother. “Dad’s driving me crazy,” he says. “Every time I fall in love with a girl it turns out she’s one of Dad’s daughters.” “Oh pay no attention to him,” says his mother. “It’s not like he’s your real father.”

Female Translator

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
• We need = I want...
• It's your decision = correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive = is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so = want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
• (In response to "What's wrong?")The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

Lighting the Way

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the refrigerator again!"