Police Quotes

• "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
• "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
• "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
• "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
• "Just how big were those two beers?"
• "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Get Rich Quick

Q: What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly?
A: Cops

Working With The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave. The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."