Top Ten Ways the Bible is Out of Date

1. 10) Who the hell Begets anymore?
2. Memo to Adam: Ditch the apples, try chocolate!
3. Saint Peter wouldn't do the actual judging - he'd hire a temp.
4. Ten plagues and God never thought of daytime talk shows?
5. All this smiting and no one filed a suit against God?
6. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy?? Go Forty-Niners!
7. Why did Moses spend all his time parting seas when there are all those great legs out there?
8. How can you trust someone who turns water into wine?
9. Satan provides free heating, work for everyone, never evicts you, and doesn't give a damn about your credit rating. This is bad how?
10. Out with into the ark, two by two, in with Jerry Springer love triangles!

Get In and Ride!

I've been walking for a half a mile - I'm tired. I'm looking at a car that's running with the keys in it. My first impression was 'Lord, I said make a way.' I thought that was the Lord's way of saying, 'A.J., get in and ride!'

Holy Squirrels

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Squirrels Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.  Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.