Bedtime Prayer of the Future

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep. PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while. Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone. The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool. Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cut off. Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension. Burglar alarm on delay activate; Car-port light on, for son who's late. Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight. Air purifier cleans each hour tonight; Water filter to fill the tank just right. VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows. Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes. Camcorder is ready to film in a flash. Blender's all set, the fruit to mash. Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain. Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall. I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"  Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."  "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?".  With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." 
The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?".  "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.  "Are you prepared for the resurrection?", the frustrated preacher asked.  This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?".  Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."  Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

Where Have You Been?

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."