Jehovah's Witness & Hell's Angels

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang member?
A: Someone who comes to your door and tells *you* to fuck off!

Bats in Church

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything! Noise, spray, cats, nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

The Essential Difference

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orangutang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."