Golf Leprechaun

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights. "I'm so sorry!" the man said. "Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes." "Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.
"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone." "How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

The Potent Barrel

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."

Definition of Innocence

Q: What's the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.