Answering Machine - Confessional Hotline

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! 

Amsterdam Refugee

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Bible By College Students:

How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:
Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.