Duck and Rabbi

A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head. "What's the deal?" the bartender asks. The duck says, "It's opposite day."

The Nun and the Fortune Teller

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself  "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me". So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lbs and you're going to Chicago, Illinois". So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself  "it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again". So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Ill. and you're going to play a fiddle."  She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said "this is incredible I've got to try it again." So she went back to the machine, put her nickel in and another card came out and it said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to break wind." She thinks "I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again. She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, "you're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex." She said "ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none." Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport. She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!"

Rabbi in a Taxi

There's a rabbi in a taxi, going through the city for a meeting. Everything is fine, the driver is nice and all. Suddenly, as they're waiting for the green light, a gang of big black guys shows up, armed with baseball bats and stuff. They start hitting the car, break the lights, get the driver out and kick him. The rabbi is really scared and screams: "Please stop, please... stop it!"
Then another gang shows up, Mexicans this time, even bigger than the black dudes. They fight the black guys, destroy them, then turn to the taxi and the driver, and wreck both of them. The driver is nearly dead, blood everywhere. The cab is smoking, windows broken... And the rabbi is still really, really scared. He continues screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"
Then the police shows up, shoot the Mexicans, handcuff the survivors, call an ambulance for the driver and try to patch him up. The rabbi is still in the car, and seems more and more scared. He's still screaming: "Please stop, please... stop it!"
A policeman helps him out, and sees the terror on his face. "Calm down, we saved you, everything is alright," he says. "Please stop, please... stop it!" continues the rabbi. The policeman tries to reassure him. "It's gonna be alright, you're safe!" "Please stop, please... stop it!" The policeman gets a bit angry "Look, you're safe, you need to calm down!" The rabbi then looks at the taxi, his eyes filled with terror. "Please stop, please... stop the meter!"