The Young Priest Learns the Ropes

A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. "Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

The Priest and The Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I`m blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

Signs Seen Near Church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

• "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
• "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
• An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
• When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
• "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one!"
• A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
• "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
• "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
• "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
• "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
• "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low,  but the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
• "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
• "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
• "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
• "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
• "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
• "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
• "In the dark? Follow the Son."
• "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
• "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."