Wedding Toasts 3

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy... by remaining a bachelor.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do... but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!
From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
Hope all your Tries are not converted. Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy... It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.
It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.
It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?" Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got...

What Is A Penis

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?" He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This, my love, is a penis." he told her. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!"

The Wedding Is Off...No On

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?" Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."