Murphy's Wife

Murphy tells Quinn, "My wife is driving me to drink!"
Quinn replies, "You're very lucky!  My wife makes me walk!"

Busted

Caught my wife having sex with my best friend.
She can pack her bags and get out and he's going back to the dog shelter.

Virgin's Fourth Marriage

A mature woman was in her priest's study for counseling on her upcoming fourth wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" she asked.
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." the priest responded.
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!"