Drive Over

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

The Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man. "We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "Uh huh," said the old man. "And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

The Stolen Credit Card

While paying bills, John's wife comes home one day, furious, and exclaims, "somebody stole my credit card!"  John consoled his wife and went back to work, not missing a beat.  
His wife gets even more furious, wanting to know what he is going to do about it.  John looks up from his computer and calmly replies, "Nothing."  His wife responds, "Why!?!"  
"Because he's spending less than you do!"