The Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man. "We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "Uh huh," said the old man. "And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

The Stolen Credit Card

While paying bills, John's wife comes home one day, furious, and exclaims, "somebody stole my credit card!"  John consoled his wife and went back to work, not missing a beat.  
His wife gets even more furious, wanting to know what he is going to do about it.  John looks up from his computer and calmly replies, "Nothing."  His wife responds, "Why!?!"  
"Because he's spending less than you do!"

Job Well Done!

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?" He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight." She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?" He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"