Mirror Mirror on the Wall

My wife was standing nude in front of the mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel terrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

Birthday Present for Wife

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her. The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa. The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, "A necklace and a vibrator." "Why?" asks the second man. To which the other man replies, "Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself."

Great News

This 55- year- old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" She says, "Your name never came up!"