Day Care

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Shoplifting

An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots. At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said, "I'm going to sentence you to one day for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson. You stole four carrots so that's four days jail time for you."
Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?"
The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today." The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."

Paddy's Roses

A romantic Irishman named Paddy picked up a dozen valentines day roses for his girlfriend. He made a surprise visit to her house and rang her bell. When she opened the door and saw Paddy with the roses she smiled and gave Paddy a big kiss. Then she pulled Paddy into her apartment, seductively got undressed, sat on the couch and spread her legs wide. She said, Paddy, this is for the roses. Paddy said, Don't be silly, you must have a vase somewhere.