Who Needs A Husband?

Who needs a man...my dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.

Drunk Husband

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."

Toilet Paper Enhancement

A self-conscious wife asks her husband, "Honey, are my boobs too small?" "No, honey, they're fine, but if you want to make them bigger, why don't you rub toilet paper between them?" he suggests. For the next couple of weeks, the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day, but sees no results. "Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work?" "Well, you've been rubbing toilet paper on your ass all these years and that's getting bigger."