Five Questions that put FEAR Into a Man

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a) Baseball. b) Football. c)How fat you are. d)How much prettier she is than you. e) How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a) Oh Yeah, crap loads. b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c) That depends on what you mean by love. d) Does it matter? e) Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a) Compared to what? b) I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c) A little extra weight looks good on you. d) I've seen fatter. e) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include: a) Yes, but you have a better personality. b) Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c) Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d) Define pretty. e) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Where Does Jewelry Come From

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Father's Day

One morning, a son asked this father: "Why are you making
Mommy breakfast? Is she sick?" "No dear," I replied, "It's Mother's Day." "Oh," said the son, "then is every other day Father's Day?"