The guide to women

A man's guide to what a woman is really saying:

• I just need some space. - Without you in it.
• Do I look fat in this dress? - We haven't had a fight in a while.
• No, pizza's fine. - You cheap slob
• I just don't want a boyfriend right now. - I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
• I don't know, what do you want to do? - I can't believe you have nothing planned.
• Come here! - My puppy does this too.
• I like you but... - I don't like you.
• You never listen. - You never listen.
• I'll be ready in a minute. - I'm ready but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
• Oh, no, I'll pay for it myself. - I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
• Oh, yes!!! Right there!!! - Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
• I'm going out with the girls. - We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Marrying A Man

Q: What do you call a man that marries another man?
A: A minister

Shy Priest

A shy priest greets the wedding guests at the Church. He's very nervous and doesn't say much. As the Bride and Groom approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best homily anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is again extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that homily!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "But that was just my altar ego."