What Not To Say During Sex

• But everybody looks funny naked!
• You woke me up for that?
• Did I mention the video camera?
• Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet)
• And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose.
• A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• But whipped cream makes me break out.
• Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
• Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint)
• Try not to leave any stains, okay?
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Do you get any premium movie channels?
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
• Got any penicillin?
• But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• I want a baby!
• Why am I doing all the work?
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• That leak better be from the waterbed!
• I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
• But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people.
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
• Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
• You look younger than you feel.
• Perhaps you're just out of practice.
• You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
• They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
• Now I know why he/she dumped you...
• Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
• You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
• What tampon?
• Have you ever considered liposuction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• What are you planning to make for breakfast?
• I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• Are those real or am I just behind the times?
• Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
• Is that a hanging sculpture?
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• Did I mention my transsexual operation?
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
• Did you come yet, dear?
• I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
• A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
• Does this count as a date?
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic!
• I need another beer for this please.
• I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
• You can cook, too right?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
• Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
• Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
• Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
• I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
• Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
• Sorry but I don't do toes!
• You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
• Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly,
• I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
• I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
• So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses...
• Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
• You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Lady Tattoo

My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

Wedding Prank

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would.
After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought, "I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock."
The Carpenter perked up and added, "and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse."
The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.
After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his friends together for a chat. He said to them, "Well, when we sat on the bed and got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the Novocaine in the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?"