Jeff Foxworthy on Middle Ages Castle Trash

You Know You're Castle Trash If...
Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet.
Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted.
You can't afford a cod piece... nobody notices.
You have more sheep dogs than sheep.
You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have.
The plague improved your complexion... but only for a little while.
The Pope sends you to the Crusades... in Norway.
Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum.
Your wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettier.
The grail you brought home has "made in China" printed on the bottom.
Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom.
You won "most improved " at the tournament.
They call your daughter made Marian.
Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says "peace before discomfort".
Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son.

Redneck Computer Terms

|Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.