Old Golfer

At a Sunday church service, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All but one man held up their hand. "Mr. Webber, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Webber, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and applauded. "Mr. Webber, would you please tell us how one can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer slowly stood and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."

50 Years

A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?" She replies, "Let's run upstairs and make love." He turns to her and says, "Well make up your mind, we can't do both!"

Grandparent Oral Sex

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"