Death By Stabbing

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is. He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger. Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

Old Pacifists

OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to pieces

Old is When

• Your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot
• A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the nearest garage door
• You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick
• Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face
• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
• When it takes longer to rest than to get tired
• When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
• "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today
• "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot
• An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!