Three Old Guys

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee.  And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old. "No, not really.  I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?" To which the eighty year old replied  "I don't wake up until ten!"

How fast was I going?

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

Grandpa's Safe Sex

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."