Be Prepared

The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."

Take Your Pick

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No." said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

Eating Some Peanuts

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nursing home for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but soon he was convinced that it was the right thing to do.
On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how the old man's first day was going. "How you doing today?  First day I see?" She asked the old man. 
The old man replied with a nod. In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eying the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and helped herself to a handful. As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too."
"That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone."
Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."