Business One - Liners... If

• If you cannot fix it, feature it.
• If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
• If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
• If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
• If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
• If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
• If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
• If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
• If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
• If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed. 

Corporate Travel Guidelines

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.
Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.
Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant don't forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.

Programming Business Lines

• Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
• Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
• Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
• Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
• Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
• Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
• Quality assurance doesn't.
• Quit while your still behind.
• Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
• Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.