Resume Bloopers

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Asleep At The Desk

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick excuses

• It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
• "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
• This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
• I was working smarter, not harder.
• "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
• "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
• This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
• I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
• I'm in the management training program actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
• You learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
• "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!"
• I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
• "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
• The coffee machine is broken
• Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
• Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
• It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
• I was cross-training for telecommuting.
• Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
• Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
• The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
• I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

Things You Don't Want Your System Admin To Say

1. Uh-oh...
2. Oh S***!
3. What the heck?!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this...
7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
8. Terminated?!?
9. What software license?!?
10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your user name was?