Resume Bloopers

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS: Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. I'm a rabid typist. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

A Fair Wage

 I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week." I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

The Job Interview

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says..."A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got -dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?!"