Laying Off Employees

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."  And Sarah says, "Can you just jack off? I have a headache!"

Evaluating Progress

• A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
• Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
• Active socially: Drinks heavily.
• Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
• Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
• Average: Not too bright.
• Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
• Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
• Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
• Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
• Conscientious and careful: Scared.
• Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
• Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
• Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
• Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
• Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
• Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
• Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
• Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
• Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
• Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
• Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
• Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
• Happy: Paid too much.
• Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
• Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
• Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
• Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
• Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
• Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
• Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
• Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
• Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
• Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
• Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
• Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
• Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
• Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
• Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
• Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
• Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
• Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
• Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
• Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
• Should go far: Please.
• Slightly below average: Stupid.
• Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
• Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
• Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
• Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
• Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
• Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
• Takes pride in work: Conceited.
• Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
• Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
• Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
• Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
• Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
• Well organized: Does too much busywork.
• Will go far: Relative of management.
• Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
• Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Need a Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, proactiveness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!