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Money Jokes
Helicopter Ride
A man and his wife go to a county fair for 50 years and every year the man said he would love to go on the helicopter but his wife said £50 is £50. One year the pilot heard this and said if you don't make a sound on the flight you can ride for free. So the pilot did everything he could to make them make a sound even loop the loops and at the end the pilot said, "Congratulations you didn't make a sound." The man said, "I almost made a sound when my wife fell out but £50 is £50."
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Bums' Dirty Pants
Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you shit your pants?'' ''Hell no,'' Jeff said. They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. ''Did you shit your pants, Jeff?'' ''I swear to the God almighty I did not shit my pants,'' Jeff said.
So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, ''I thought you said you didn't shit your pants?!'' ''I didn't.'' Jeff said. ''They're your pants.''
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To Have Him Back
"Oh, Laura!" cried her neighbor, "I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I'm sure he left you well provided for, didn't he?" Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, "Yes, he was a very caring husband and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much that I'd give fifty thousand just to have him back!"
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