I Didn't Even Know!

Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said, "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."  He paused, "I didn't even know she smoked!"
The second drunk said, "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!" 
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak.."I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"  He paused, "I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"

A Wish for Christmas

It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down, a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on Santa's lap. Santa says to the little boy, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y," touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds, "Nope." So Santa again says, "Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E," as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said, "Nope." Well Santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy, "I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E," once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little responds, "Nope." Well at this time Santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy, "Then what the fuck do you want for Christmas?" The little boy then looked at Santa and said, "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y, and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger!"

Help Me Ring the Bell

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he gets onto the porch to ring the bell."Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"