I Get No Respect Part 2

• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
• Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
• I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
• On Halloween parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• I had a lot of pimples when I was younger. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Your Clothes

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Men Go To Heaven

There are 3 guys who get a visit from an angel. The angel says, "I'm giving you a heads up. You are going to die and then come back with a girl. How good you are in heaven determines how beautiful she'll be." So the first guy comes back and is with a really ugly girl. The most ugly you have probably seen. Then, the second guy comes back and is with an even uglier girl. But, when the third guy comes back he is with the most beautiful girl you ever did see. The first 2 guys look at each other saying, "Wow, he must have been very good." Then the woman shouts, "I GOT STUCK WITH HIM?"