Stupid Insults 2/31

A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few inches short of a foot/yard.
A few kernels short of an ear.
A few kopeks short of a ruble.
A few links shy of a chain.
A few measures short of a staff.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday.
A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.  
A few points short of a polygon.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.
A few shrimps short of a barbie.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust,
What was the question? A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers.

Your Clothes

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Men Go To Heaven

There are 3 guys who get a visit from an angel. The angel says, "I'm giving you a heads up. You are going to die and then come back with a girl. How good you are in heaven determines how beautiful she'll be." So the first guy comes back and is with a really ugly girl. The most ugly you have probably seen. Then, the second guy comes back and is with an even uglier girl. But, when the third guy comes back he is with the most beautiful girl you ever did see. The first 2 guys look at each other saying, "Wow, he must have been very good." Then the woman shouts, "I GOT STUCK WITH HIM?"