Hard Hitting Insults

• We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!
• We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
• You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
• I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
• Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.
• You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
• A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine.
• You add to, not diminish, pain!
• We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
• Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
• We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
• It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
• Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you. 

Insulting at the Library

How to be insulting at the Library: Find the coziest reading nook and start snoring.

How Late Does The Bagpipe Band Play

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."