Grandma

Girls find it creepy that I have sex in the same bed my grandma died in.
I mean, I'll move her once I've saved enough for a funeral.

Staggering Wife

Q: What do you do when your wife is staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

Zactly

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did. He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, "I know what your problem is, you have zactly." The lady then asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, "Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!"